Blog 64

 I’m parked in front of my television and crying. (I decided to sit in front of the TV in a nest of blankets and knock out the rest of this Blog Project) It happens to me all of the time. I see a television program and something about it makes me well up. While I have been able to isolate this to moments when I am alone and it hasn’t become a problem that I can’t suppress while watching movies in public, it’s still fairly embarrassing to be sitting on the sofa at home watching a 16 and Pregnant and having your sister’s friends walk in and ask you why you’re blogging.

If you’ve read my blog on babies, you’ll understand that I cry whenever one of those irresponsible teens pops out a baby and finally realizes the gravity of what they’ve done.

The oddity to it is that in ‘real life’ I’m not an emotional person. I’m not a cold lump of stone, I just do not usually express what I’m feeling. I rarely ever sob unless I’m watching a TV show or movie. I don’t understand why.

For example, the show just changed to Tyra. I don’t watch this on a regular basis, and I don’t know much about it. Today’s talk-show topic is on things that people do around their children. There’s a crazy lady that thinks lounging around her kids naked all day is a teaching mechanism. It creeped me out and I got emotional and cried. Until it becomes a real issue, I’m going to embrace it as safe emotional release. 

Blog 62

I’m terrified of spiders. It’s a recent development really; in the past year or so I have developed a phobia of large proportions. When I was little I’d marvel at the spiders at the zoo, big fuzzy tarantulas and tiny little ones that crawled all over each other and not have a problem at all. Now I feel a wave of panic every time I think of all of those little legs crawling over each other and the little pokey pinchers that they use to suck the life out of other insects.

Rationally, I am able to recognize that if a spider comes at me I can just step on it.  I am a large organism, the top of the chain. I am capable of killing other predators, or eating things like cows. I am woman, and I can definitely smoosh a tiny little crawly thing.

Simply put, it’s psychological. I hate the idea of lots of little organisms. Or, in the case of that Harry Potter movie, lots of very large organisms. It’s the lots that get me. What triggered my fear in the first place was a dream that followed the watching of that movie. I feel asleep on the sofa before the movie was over and dreamt that spiders were on my face, striking at it and poking venom into my eyelids. Whilst asleep, I started flailing and whacked my boyfriend, who was still watching the movie, in the nose and he shook me awake. I hope that one day I’ll shake it, or at least have it fade away. 

Blog 61

There are so many current events that concern me that it is difficult to choose just one. I guess the issue that I find myself following most consistently in the news is that of healthcare reform. I’m aware that this is a highly controversial subject, so I’ll try to be considerate of outside views in this blog.

As you may know from previous posts, I work at a doctor’s office. Health insurance is something that I deal with on a daily basis and I see how politics affects everyday people, the patients that we treat in a myriad of ways.

Right now the bureaucracy is complex and confusing. Patients often don’t understand their coverage or really what they’re paying for. That being said, those on government programs such as Medicare and Medicaid struggle to get services covered. Every charge is regulated; providers are required to devote extra resources to billing services differently and obtaining approval for services that take extra amounts of time that stall treatment. Some doctors choose to provide for their patients in the same way that they would any other, for the best quality that they can. This results in one of two things; patients are held fiscally responsible for services or the doctors choose to write off charges and don’t get paid.

Something needs to change with healthcare. That being said, I do not personally believe that the government should keep slapping private industry with regulations that inhibit their ability to operate as they wish. I also do not support completely government run health care as the federal programs have just as many problems as private insurance companies.

Either way the legislation goes, it makes me nervous. 

Blog 60

I often think that I would be exactly the same person if born in a different time period, but that possibly I’d be more suited to my environment. I dream about the beginning of industrialization in America, of the time of rail culture in the late 1800s and the early 1900s. My boyfriend thinks I’m Dagny Taggart (The main character in Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged), and I wouldn’t mind that if her character had lived in her grandfather’s time.

               I hate computers, but work hard and appreciate ingenuity. I’m fond of mechanical things and a strong woman regardless of whatever rights are associated to my gender. I’m sure that I would be just as strong willed and independent if I was raised in an environment of sexism. For me, this isn’t a characteristic that stemmed from the liberal modern environment as much as the matriarchal society of my ancestors.

               I’d get to wear ridiculous dresses and I’m all down with that. While I’m not an overwhelmingly feminine girl, I am a female and for some reason frills and lace are appealing to me. It’d be like an old-fashioned prom every day.

               I’m not sure that I would be compatible with the role of a housewife at the turn of the 19^th century. While my grandmother made sure that I am versed in ettique and housework, I hate it and would require a rich environment that allowed for housekeepers and maids. A myriad of intelligent woman came out of that period of time and I’m sure that I would maintain the integrity of my personage if I had been cast upon those times. 

Blog 59

This prompt caught me off guard, I initially had to skip it and come back to it. The biggest mistake that I have ever made, that’s an extremely personal question that I don’t think I would even discuss with those closest to me. This brings me to my point: the mistake that I make most often and that effects my life to the greatest degree is that I am a very closed off and private person. It’s hard for me to share things that I deem near to my heart with others.

This affects my personal relationships to an absurd degree and often prevents me from connecting with people to the largest extent possible. There are only a few people that know me and even they don’t get the chance to fully apprehend how complex and far reaching such things go.

I often claim that I am simply introverted. This is true. I don’t turn communication and expression outwards to share it with others, but reflect most of my thoughts and emotions inwards. I’ve been told that I’m cold as a defense mechanism, but this simply isn’t true. I care and I’m not afraid to show it, I just like to keep the most profound aspects of my personality to myself.

I know that this is a mistake when it comes to my social development. I just can’t help making it. It bars me from a lot of the satisfaction that is involved with relationships, and I do it every day. 

Blog 63: I'm Really White

I have a hilarious story about how I learned to avoid excesses.

Very recently, actually this quarter, I was missing class frequently because of physical exhaustion. I’m not talking about being tired or sleepy; I mean the kind of exhaustion that celebrities check into the hospital for. I was weak and had very little energy to function regardless of the amount of sleep or calories that I ate. I learned to suck it up, drag myself out of bed an hour earlier and to force myself to stay awake through class.

I developed a stomach ulcer and drinking coffee or any type of caffeine had me doubled up in pain.

Having had mono before, I knew that this wasn’t the cause of it but I decided to go in to see the doctor and get tested regardless. For a while, I was anxious that something serious might me wrong. Today the doctor called me with the results, it was good news. Something is wrong with me, but it was easily fixable. My vitamin D levels are dangerously low.

I don’t’ drink milk because it grosses me out because it comes out of a boob.

I burn like crazy and don’t go into the sun. This started when I watched my sister develop skin damage from laying out with oil on her in the summers of her teenage years. I’ve frantically avoided sunlight with sunscreen and floppy hats and shade ever since.

Simply put, I am too white and it has made me sick. The remedy is easy enough: while  I stil can’t stomach the boob-juice, I start on prescription supplements today.  I plan on napping in the sun on the oval the next chance I get. 

Blog 56

Julia is a hoot. I’m not sure she even knows that she’s my best friend. She’s the one that I know will always be there for me, that will accept me for my whole person, and that will make crude jokes that I’m way too shy to smile at.

Julie is a Jew. This is not meant to be offensive: She subscribes to the Jewish faith; it’s her culture and her family and a large part of her identity. She laughs in the face of anti-semanticism, she embraces her entire self no matter if anyone else has a reason to hate her.

Please pardon my language, but she’s fucking hilarious. She taught me how to saran wrap cars and not to be mortified when someone mentioned sex. Before I met her, I was so shy of myself that I couldn’t open up, and now she’s made it possible for me to express what I want, when I want, and to not take any prisoners. In her great words, “ I do what I want”. This has kind of become my mantra, and I’m not ashamed of it.

Friday I’m going to a concert with her to see some indie band I’ve never heard of. I’m her safety buddy. It’s then that I will see her freshly dyed purple hair and dance to some music of questionable quality until two in the morning. Like Lady Gaga (if  you read my famous person blog, you’ll get the reference), she makes me feel like I can be exactly myself and it’s perfectly ohkay.